De fornicare angelorum (english version)

Pues nada, que yo no me había fijado, pero mi amiga la escritora, maestra y traductora Gabriela Valenzuela Navarrete tuvo a bien traducir al inglés mi cuento "De fornicare angelorum" para la antología Cinco Décadas de Cuento Mexicano, que mantienen Héctor Perea y ella en Internet desde 1996.

Les convido aquí la versión en inglés, pero si no la han leído en español, pues vayan acá.

De fornicare angelorum (English version)

Por Guillermo Vega Zaragoza

As they are wise men, Chinese say: ‘To make a rabbit soup, first you need to have a rabbit,’ because they knew that sometimes it is very difficult to catch a rabbit; that’s why, when they can’t get one, some creeps substitute it with a cat, that tastes the same but the meat is tougher. This is relevant ―even if it doesn’t seem like― because if you want to fornicate with an angel, what you have to do first is to find one and that is not a minor issue, as you can hunt a rabbit yourself with a shotgun or buy it at the Sonora Market, but you cannot find an angel by any corner (even if some women waiting by the corners look like angels fallen from Heaven, but you should be careful: they are false angels, they make you suffer and, besides, they charge you for their favors). To catch an angel is not as simple as to catch a rabbit, because before catching it, you have to see it and make it materialize because, as we all know, angels are spiritual beings (that is, they don’t have a body), but they can have it if they want to, and live (and even cohabit) with mortals.

There are two ways to make an angel appear. One, humming in tune the first notes of Mozart’s Little Night Serenade (yes, those of tan, tan-tan, tan-tan, tan-tan-tan-tan) by midnight during new moon. I know this because talking once, after making love with a nineteen-year-old violinist ―she herself could be taken by an angel―, we reached to the conclusion that if we, mortals could hear a conversation between angels, it would sound for us like music composed by Mozart. In fact, it is said that Mozart was himself an angel fallen from Heaven and that up there it took them a long time to realize he was missing, but once they noticed, they took him back immediately. What is strange here is why the good Amadeus never got wings like all the other angels. There is an hypothesis that Earth atmosphere is not good for this aerial appendices to develop, even when to some women you just encourage them a little and they want to fly by their own.

But we were with Mozart’s music. Actually, I don’t know what is it what you say by humming those notes, but it must be some kind of password, because after barely some seconds humming you can hear the fluttering of an angel landing. Here it is necessary to do a remark: many people still believe that for an angel to appear, you have pray that thing of ‘‘ May angels guard me through the night and keep me safe till morning’s light’, but that just works to let know the guardian angel that we are going to bed, something totally useless as if angels didn’t know what their duties are. On the other hand, it would be very disgusting to go fuck your own guardian angel (it would be a very sick combination of narcissism and onanism), as, besides the fact that he resembles us a lot as he’s by our side since we are born, he knows us way much better than we know ourselves, therefore the possibilities to hide our true intentions as we invoke him are very remote. And thinking about it twice: how exciting could be to fuck the same being we sleep with every night?

The other technique to see an angel is to take him by surprise. Frequently angels flutter around mortals. Some people take them by mosquitoes; the most sensitive ones can perceive the angelic presence immediately, and that makes them turn to a side as if someone was looking at them over the shoulder. The important thing is that, when you feel that presence, you turn immediately to your left and you may have the luck to see an angel. However you need to be careful at this point as if you turn your head too quickly, you can get a whiplash and that’s not the intention. Of course, at the beginning it seems that there’s no one there and you start doubting your sanity, but that’s due to the fact that when angels get discovered by a mortal, they stay very still, squatted, without moving a single feather of their wings. If you narrow your eyes and re-open them slowly, you’ll see him, getting clear little by little, as if it was a TV channel with poor reception. As soon as you look at their eyes, they know they are lost, that they are visible and then they play the nice guy. The problem is that we mortals can’t understand a lot of what they say because ―as I’ve said already― their words sound to us like Mozart’s music.

Next step is to make the angel materialize so you can catch him, and for that there’s only one way. As they are a little absent-minded, they don’t notice where they leave their feathers and they stay like hypnotized when they see one falling, thinking it is theirs. The knack is to let fall in front of the angel a bird feather (one of hen can work, but the best ones are from swan, that resemble theirs a lot). He will stay fascinated, looking how the feather falls slowly and will try to catch it before it touches the floor. At that moment, at that precise moment, not after or before, you have to take the angel by the wrist and hold him tightly. Then you have him caught. To be successful in this labor you have to train a lot, as a false movement can have serious consequences. It is said that Luther trained for this trying to catch flies and in one of those times, a candle fell over the Pope’s bull, reducing it to ashes, and that’s why he had no choice but to star the Protestant reform.

But we were saying that you already have the angel, well caught by the wrist. It is possible that he tries to resist, frantically flapping, trying unsuccessfully to get free, but it is necessary to remember that we mortals are stronger than them as we have worked out our muscles better in this world for the angels doesn’t know about gyms or lifting weights or aerobics, so they cannot escape. Once they have calmed down and resigned to their new condition of prey, the next thing is to detect what kind of angel he is. As we all know, nowadays angels have no sex. There was a time, at the beginning of the world, when they did have. They even could materialize at will and live with humans as if the damned thing. But there were cases when some male angels fell to the charms of mortal women and had an intense exchange of flesh. Giants were the product of this celestial aberration, and they peopled and dominated Earth for centuries, until one mortal revolutionary leader, named David, wounded the giants’ president in the head, whose name was Goliath. Then, God decided to make a radical reform among the angelic troops. He took their sexes away, He forbade them to materialize without reason in front of the mortals and imposed them internal rules much more severe than the one of a military academy. Of course, although God is perfect, He can miss a detail, so there are still some angels with sex that keep on living with mortals. The recent products of those human-celestial unions are no longer giants; they end up being damned poets and doing extravagant things such as marry a black hooker and get sick with syphilis, or write portentous poems by nineteen and then go to Abyssinia to trade with slaves. Nevertheless, if you are lucky enough to catch one of those angels with sex, I’m sorry to inform you that he’ll be the one to fuck you, as all these angels with sex are males, although you can’t put aside the possibility that after so many years of living with the mortals, they have caught some bad habits and they end up being queer. However, it is more possible that you find an angel without sex, just because there are more. According to the last angelic census, that was taken between the 12th and the 13th century of our days, and whose results weren’t published until the 14th, at the beginning of the universe the celestial troops counted 301 665 722 members, from which 133 306 668 are now fallen angels; that is, they work on Lucifer’s side.

But let’s put aside statistics and let’s continue with our matters. As we were saying, in spite of His perfection, even the Divine hunter can miss a rabbit and, even if He took their sexes away, He kept unaltered the secondary sexual traits, that means, we can find angels that once were female angels or angelgirls, and that’s why they keep their celestial breasts (that must be understood literally, even if we can find mortal women whose breasts may seem celestial to us, but in a figurative sense). That’s the explanation to the well developed mammary glands of the Angel at the top of the Independence Column by the Paseo de la Reforma. The ideal would be to catch then an angel that was once female as to kiss the breasts and suck the nipples of an angel is not an experience to waste given the chance, but if you get a male one, you should not despise him. They are very beautiful youths (God Himself created them before men) and they are very funny. It’s worth to say that angels are always naked, as they have nothing to be embarrassed of, as they have committed no sin and they don’t feel heat or chill; in consequence, all those representations of angels with white gowns or armors are mere deliriums of Renaissance and Medieval painters.

But let’s suppose you get an angelgirl. First of all, she will look a lot like a Barbie doll with wings, for the simple reason that ―let’s say it scientifically― they have the pussy cancelled. As it is evident, facing this small eventuality, there’s only a way to fuck her. At this point we could ask about the physiological function of an angel’s ass, but it seems that the only reason is that God want it that way and, in these times, we cannot question His Divine reasons. Nevertheless, it’s necessary to emphasize in their nature. Even if it has been penetrated many times before, an angel’s ass will always seemed immaculate to us. Those who have been granted with the blessing of testifying such a scene say that it cannot be compared to any kind of human sphincter imaginable. However, there are many who want them and very few who get them.

The problem now is to make her tip over, but this is to be solved by your own imagination, as angels ‘despite the fact that they are celestial entities’ are very innocent and easy to convince. That’s why it isn’t strange that so many had been trickled by Lucifer ‘who was an angel a little bit smarter and more ambitious’ to follow him into his crazy adventure of trying to bring down the Big Boss.

What we cannot let go without an explanation is the wings matter, as it is necessary to learn how to deal with them so they won’t be on the way during the sodomitical process. The aerial extremities are the most sensible parts of an angel. Any slight graze makes them feel terrible pain and they make you shake with their yelling ‘it is as if they were being skinned alive. That’s why you need to be really careful and not to fall into temptation of using the angel’s wings as grips at the time of fornication. I agree that not touching the wings will be very difficult, specially when ‘once she had been penetrated’ the angel gets into a kind of frantic abduction and starts flapping, as if trying to take the flight. Some of they get to do it, but briefly, so you don’t have to be scared by the possibility of your balls going to Heaven ‘angel and all’ as it is a momentaneous sensation. On the other hand, there are evidences pointing that when you’re mounting them, some angels become jabbering and they start telling stories that are unintelligible to us, mortals, so it seems to us that they are singing an opera in Polish.

Once we have satiated our mortal instincts into the celestial receptacle of the angel, it is recommended to intonate together and complete Mozart’s Clarinet Concert ‘which is what angels like to do after fornicate instead of smoking a cigarette and talk about their lives and their previous couples. In case you get asleep, lulled by the angel’s voice, it is good to keep the window open so she can go out in silence.

Before we finish, it is necessary to warn you. Angels get furious if they are not satisfied after the fluids exchange with a mortal. In presence of the constant diminishing amatory capacity of modern man (you know: it’s because of stress, pollution, transgenic food, etcetera), the index of angelic dissatisfaction has considerably raised in the last years. If this is the case, angelic revenge is implacable. To start with, they make you sleep deeply; when you wake up, you have an unspeakable pain in the gonads and you think it was all a dream and you will only be able to fuck that way in Heaven, when you are dead. Then, you can spend your life seeking for a woman that resembles the angel because you think that the vision of the dream was a divine message. You may never find that woman with the face of an angel, or you may find her and have no doubts in marrying her. That’s why it is highly recommendable to be really careful and do not give a cat instead of a rabbit when trying to fuck an angel.

Translated by Gabriela Valenzuela Navarrete

Fuente: From the book Antología de lo indecible. México, CONACULTA-Plan C Editores, 2004.